Speak Stiltedly and Wear a Yellow Shirt

Yes, I am a huge fic snob. I don’t mean to be - there are times when I’d like to know how a story turns out, but for reasons of quality I just have to close the window. For Jerie’s sake (since she can’t figure out what to recommend to me), I’m trying to figure out my exact fic-snob requirements.

The biggest component is raw quality of composition. I wasn’t always a writing snob, but once I started writing myself (three and a half years ago) my pleasure in badfic was ended. Whenever bad writing is getting in my way I close the window - I don’t care how good the concept is. By bad writing I don’t mean bad plot, bad style, or bad characterization - those are all mistakes that can be made in a well-written story. It’s not necessarily the simple technical mistakes, either: if I know how a word should be spelled or where a comma is supposed to go, I can overlook the error. I enjoy the occasional said-bookism and I’m slipping back into third person omniscient in my own writing.

I was looking for a good example of bad writing from The Slash Fiction Hall of Shame (since I figured few to none of my readers read slash in those particular fandoms so no one would be offended) but it turns out that bad writing is more than any particular paragraph I could find to typify it. Bad writing isn’t any specific problem, but the overall result that the reader cannot tell what’s going on in the story. If there’s an AU Sam around and I can’t tell which of the two Sams is talking at any particular point, that’s bad writing. If the team visits a new planet and I get no sense of space or time in their explorations, that’s bad writing. If there are fits, starts, and jumps that lose the reader, that’s bad writing.

The next requirement on my list used to be, and possibly still is, quality of plot. I won’t read a story with good writing but an AWOL or all-angst plot. All-angst plots are the sort that don’t have any external events or action driving the story - characters Have Talks and Meditate Upon Their Pain, but nothing happens. I’m not asking for gen here - I don’t care how much kissyface there is in the story as long as there’s also a story. Here’s a hint - if your characters never fire up the stargate, your story may lack plot.

I’m pretty forgiving of small plot problems, though - for example, there was an unnecessary bit of whipping in Until the End of the World by Ruth M. King, which was part of an evil-general-up-to-something-mysterious plot thread that was overdone and never resolved, but I persevered and enjoyed the story. It wasn’t a groundbreaking work of literature, but the plot kept rolling along steadily with actual external events, so I kept reading. (That’s practically the entirety of the craft, right there.)

In third place but gaining fast is quality of characterization. I don’t mind if the events of the story lead to Wedded Bliss, but at the beginning I need to see everyone acting more or less like themselves. Now back in my Trek days, I didn’t mind bad or superficial characterization because I didn’t have a real feel for the characters as broadcast (with the exceptions of Tom and Seven). I know other people have set ideas about Janeway, especially, but to me most of the crew were kind of hazy to begin with and TPTB didn’t help by neglecting several of them. My Voyager experience could be the adverse effect of having a large ensemble cast (as opposed to 4 major and 2 minor characters in SG), or it could just be that I didn’t get to see the show all that often so I couldn’t tell if the dialogue was off. Nowadays, mischaracterization of the Big Four will turn me off a fic pretty quickly, although the superficial approach may slip past me.

Last on my list is style. Though I like to see different styles, plain, clean prose is so much to ask for that I’m not going to make demands in this area. If the fic experiment is making my head hurt, the window gets closed. On the other hand, if I get some good style for free, I’m willing to overlook flaws of plot - for example, Once in a Lifetime by Michelle V. had such a lovely style that I didn’t realize until the end that I was never going to find out what the plot was. I’ve seen a lot of that sort of figure-out-your-own-ending writing in Fantasy & Science Fiction. It’s surprising to see it in fandom; I know from personal experience how readers will get on your case for sequels if you leave them hanging at the end.

I think my fic standards are reflected in my writing. I try to write well, which is, clearly. I’m torn between creating a nice plot in which (non-canon) things happen and keeping the characters somewhat in character. Style is the least of my concerns and I almost never experiment with it - at least, not successfully. If that makes me a snob, then I’m a snob with a heart of schmoop.

You’re the epitome of snobbishness!

Are You a Fic Snob?
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Mars link of the day: Blue sky over Spirit (thanks to mike)

Jerie warned me that season 4 was good, but she didn’t say how good. Although I agree that “Window of Opportunity” is probably the best episode ever, my personal favorite is “Beneath the Surface.” I’m a sucker for post-apocalyptic Rasta-tech beefcake episodes, and shippy memory loss is just a big fat bonus.

The muse is having a Stargate attack, which isn’t good. She’s supposed to be revising Colony or writing something saleable; it would be one thing if she were in time for the samandjack fanfiction awards, but she’s not. Now she (technically, he) has a thing for ice planets.

And it’s been forever, but I read a fic: This Cannot Be Happening by…well, I have no idea who it’s by. Stargate writers tend to leave their names off their fic. But whoever that masked writer was, her story placed in some awards that I was skimming for AU fic. It was an enjoyable read despite the idiot plot element that became clear partway through the story - one of those if you’d only told me X, none of this angst would be happening now. But if you ignore the angst, there’s a nice quantum mirror and Sam/Jack friendship story there.

Research link of the day: Ancient Scripts. (T’Other Liz recommends OmniGlot.)

St. Ignatius didn’t give me as much help as I wanted, so I decided to try storyboarding. You’d think there’d be more links about it on the net, but I haven’t found all that many useful ones. Here’s the short list:

• Storyboarding by Crawford Kilian is actually about plotting fiction, not storyboarding it
• Storyboarding books (for film)
• Storyboarding with Ian McCaig (also film)

The net didn’t help much, but the basic concept seemed clear enough - storyboarding is making quick sketches of scenes from your story to visualize them for the camera (or for the writer with visualization problems). You don’t have to be able to draw (though I can) as long as you know what the squiggles represent. It’s a lot like going through the Writing Exercises, except of course without taste or smell.

So I dug out my old contè crayons and nupastels (this involved a search of the entire apartment and the basement storage area), and popped down to The Art Store for paper and pencils, and now I have some small sketches for the off-world gate scene in the Stargate novel I’ve been wanting to write for a while now. Of course I should be thinking about other things, but while I was editing Colony I started wondering whether I could convert it into a Stargate novel with Jack, Sam and Daniel taking the places of Chakotay, Torres and Janeway - and why I was slaving away at an old, unsuccessful novel when a new, promising idea was eating away at the muse. But I persevered and got a bit done on the ancient albatross…

Fatality of the day: a Bostonian finds himself unexpectedly deceased, but recovers quickly.

Well, as advised by the writers at rasfc, I’ve given The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola a good skimming. I’m not quite hallucinating on demand yet. I’ve spared you the effort of reading him yourself by making excerpts - here’s some prime visualization advice:

THE
FIFTH CONTEMPLATION [of the first day of the second week]
WILL
BE TO BRING THE FIVE SENSES ON THE FIRST AND SECOND CONTEMPLATION
Prayer. After the Preparatory Prayer and the three Preludes, it is
helpful to pass the five senses of the imagination through the first and second
Contemplation, in the following way:
First Point. The first Point is to see the persons with the sight of the
imagination, meditating and contemplating in particular the details about them
and drawing some profit from the sight.
Second Point. The second, to hear with the hearing what they are, or
might be, talking about and, reflecting on oneself, to draw some profit from
it.
Third Point. The third, to smell and to taste with the smell and the
taste the infinite fragrance and sweetness of the Divinity, of the soul, and of
its virtues, and of all, according to the person who is being contemplated;
reflecting on oneself and drawing profit from it.
Fourth Point. The fourth, to touch with the touch, as for instance, to
embrace and kiss the places where such persons put their feet and sit, always
seeing to my drawing profit from it.

Most of the time, though, he isn’t quite so general, although the following advice can be extrapolated to any road, cave, garden, etc.

The second [prelude to the second contemplation for the first day of the second week is], a composition, seeing the place. It will be here to see with the sight of the imagination the road from Nazareth to Bethlehem; considering the length and the breadth, and whether such road is level or through valleys or over hills; likewise looking at the place or cave of the Nativity, how large, how small, how low, how high, and how it was prepared.

The second [prelude to contemplation of the second contemplation in the morning of the second day of the third week] is to see the place. It will be here to consider the road from Mount Sion to the Valley of Josaphat, and likewise the Garden, whether wide, whether large, whether of one kind, whether of another.

Most of the text, however, is so explicit as to be actual Spiritual Exercises rather than writing exercises - for example, this contemplation of Lucifer (second week, fourth day):

First Point. The first Point is to imagine as if the chief of all the enemy seated himself in that great field of Babylon, as in a great chair of fire and smoke, in shape horrible and terrifying.
Second Point. The second, to consider how he issues a summons to
innumerable demons and how he scatters them, some to one city and others to
another, and so through all the world, not omitting any provinces, places,
states, nor any persons in particular.
Third Point. The third, to consider the discourse which he makes them,
and how he tells them to cast out nets and chains; that they have first to
tempt with a longing for riches — as he is accustomed to do in most cases — that men may more easily come to vain honor of the world, and then to vast pride. So that the first step shall be that of riches; the second, that of honor; the third, that of pride; and from these three steps he draws on to all the other vices.

Is anyone else picturing Morgoth?

Mad cow of the day: Cox and Forkum (thanks to KC)

It took me two hours from when I first did the quiz to when the answer was finally returned from Quizilla - the lamest webserver ever - but because he’s the cutest hobbit ever I’m putting it up:

Congratulations! You’re Pippin!

Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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I hope to grow up to be a Time Lord.

Cool link of the day: Arabic numerals

I found Paul Graham’s article about What You Can’t Say by way of Slashdot, but it’s been making the blog rounds ever since. Since I referred to my more unmentionable opinions in a comment a few days ago, I found the article timely. My favorite thing you can’t say that Graham actually came out and said was:

It could be that the scientists are simply smarter; most physicists could, if necessary, make it through a PhD program in French literature, but few professors of French literature could make it through a PhD program in physics.

But seriously, here’s the Conformist Test; it will tell you whether you need to read the whole article:

Do you have any opinions that you would be reluctant to express in front of a group of your peers?
If the answer is no, you might want to stop and think about that. If everything you believe is something you’re supposed to believe, could that possibly be a coincidence? Odds are it isn’t.

One popular reaction to the article is going forth and giving your personal list of Things You Can’t Say. Aaron Swartz gives a representative list including endorsements of eugenics, bestiality, and racial superiority. The trouble with these lists is that they’re all the same political hot-buttons. You’d think unspeakables would come up in other areas of life.

So I tried to think of things you can’t say in fandom. I’m blogging late because I was busy chatting about whether Trek fandom is dead - but plenty of people think it is, so that doesn’t quite qualify as unspeakable.

I think it’s relatively taboo to say that good writing is an inborn talent - some people don’t have it and no amount of hard work will ever make them good writers. There are cases when you see someone working so hard at something at which they so clearly will never succeed, and you want to tell them to get a new hobby. I’m thinking of an aspiring pro writer, not anyone who might be reading this blog - but the same taboo exists in fandom. It’s related to the general myth of equal potential, but since Americans aren’t allowed to say that’s a myth, I’ll just be going now.

Reference link of the day: MythWeb

As promised, the new Stargate schmoop is up: The Universe Survival Guide. It’s not just schmoop - it’s also humor. Nevertheless, read at your own risk. Beware of kissyface.

There are also 3 new SG drabbles: Slippery Slope (”Shades of Grey”), A River in Egypt (”Divide and Conquer”), and Resignations (”Window of Opportunity”).

Now I feel like I should write serious SG fic, if that isn’t a contradiction in terms. Schmooping has given me the feeling I’m regressing to my J/C days - though I have nothing against schmoop in principle, I still feel the schmoop-guilt. I should have been working on Colony…

Muppet of the day: Grover is bitter

My favorite Terminal.app, iTerm, now produces those old Unix fortune cookies, thanks to a macosxhint. Since the instructions there aren’t all that clear, here’s how you do it:

1. Use fink to install the cookies. Type the following at the command line in Terminal.app or iTerm: fink install fortune-mod
2. Call it from your .login or .profile file. Create the file in a plain text editor - emacs, pico, whatever - or use cat. See the macosxhint if you need instructions on using pico. If you don’t know which file you need (.login is for tcsh, .profile for bash), just make both of them. All the file has to contain is the line /sw/bin/fortune

Now whenever you open a Terminal window or an iTerm tab, you’ll get your fortune cookie. If you don’t have fink, see the macosxhint for a build of the fortune program.

I noticed that Earthlink now has an OSX version of their accelerator (part of Total Access 2004). I’m usually on a dialup, so I considered installing it. But I know how these thing work - mainly by compressing images and aggressive caching - and how they go wrong. I already get enough aggressive caching from Safari. I don’t need it happening on a proxy server at Earthlink’s end.

I think I’m going to go with PithHelmet instead. I figure the real slowdown in browsing is the stuff I don’t want to see - ads. Instead of accelerating the ads on their way to me, PithHelmet will quash any outgoing ad requests before they outgo. I used to use privoxy to block ads, but privoxy didn’t make it onto the new mac. I had the feeling that running a local proxy was too much work for my tired old mac. PithHelmet is the new, Safari-specific, approach - I’m hoping it will be a bit quicker, since it’s a browser-level hack. Proxies, local or not, are a bad idea.

Word count: 4500

I wrote a real, non-drabble, non-crossover Stargate fic. The muse showed up with the idea last night, after I watched 405 “Divide and Conquer” and Jade requested (and I quote) kissyface. I’m more surprised that I wrote 4,500 words in one day - quite a number of which were good technobabble or dialogue - than that the muse can still ship up a storm. It felt like the good old VOY days, when I was vastly productive (if only of schmoop). Kahless knows I couldn’t sit down and write 4,500 words of Trek in one day, not for love or money.

The story will be up after a brief beta.