Speak Stiltedly and Wear a Yellow Shirt

This week on Filk Radio, they’re having a Trek marathon in honor of the new movie. The TOS filks are the best, but there’s a funny one on now about Data: he’s fully functional…and anatomically correct! It features some creative uses of technobabble imagery and a horta. I highly recommend Trek filk.

Why steal music (yes, you) when you can have free, fan-produced music? It’s like downloading pirated Christie Golden books without ever having read Penny Proctor. Put down Kazaa and go listen to something alternative. (Yes, you!)

As a preface, I’d like to mention that this is all Liz’s fault.

Title:   The Sound of Sickbay
Author:  Jemima
Series:  VOY
Codes:   filk
Summary: Dead Again, the filk.
         Was: "The Sound of Silence."

*****

Hello Doctor, my old friend -
Am I your patient once again?
Was there a mishap on the holodeck?
Did Chakotay my best shuttle wreck?
Do the implants the Borg planted in my brain
Still remain?
Another round in sickbay...

So tell me, Doctor, did I die?
Tell me, did Chakotay cry?
Once more victim of a paradox,
Or stranded on another class-D rock?
If my lungs were grabbed by a dying Vidiian bore
Find me two more
Lying around in sickbay.

Faux crew assembled in the mess -
A hundred fifty, more or less.
People made out of deuterium,
People melting, pandemonium,
People getting hitched, completely unaware
They had no prayer -
No help was found in sickbay.

"Fools," said Q, "you do not know
Life eternal's deathly slow.
From my future you could save me,
Q's Continuum enslaves me."
Mortal Q a cup of hemlock downs
Dying
With renown in sickbay.

And the crewmen still salute
Captain Janeway lying mute.
And the sensors shrieked their warning,
Of a wormhole swiftly forming.
And the Borg said, "The words of the Prophets
Are useless when the wormhole roils;
Try transwarp coils."
Expiring to the sounds of sickbay.

Word count: 11760

Yes, I’m behind again. Five thousand words every three days can get to be a bit much. I should probably bump myself up to that 2,000-a-day plan, just to compensate for my irresistible urge to goof off. For my latest NaNoWriMo procrastination I’ve set my Mac up to play Filk Radio. So far it’s been more folky than filky in my style, but I like folk music so I’m still listening.

I tried several browsers before I struck one that worked. Chimera, my Mac browser of choice, isn’t fancy enough yet to let the user choose an application for a new streaming file type. Internet Explorer 5 for Mac is supposed to do it, but despite following the directions to the letter, twice, all it did was crash. Yet another reason never to use IE, as if I needed more…

So I dug out Mozilla, which, like Chimera, is not officially supported by Filk Radio. I don’t usually run it because it’s not as fast as Chimera, though it’s more full-featured. The setup was much quicker than the unsuccessful IE version - I just followed the Netscape instructions, more or less. It thought I was on a T1 line, but I corrected that little misapprehension quickly. Presto! Filk! Then, once it had passed the streaming MP3 baton to iTunes (the designated helper application), I closed Mozilla and reopened Chimera. I’m stubborn that way.

I don’t quite understand how a cover of “From a Distance” with a couple of pronouns changed qualifies as filk. The ratio of meta-filk - filk about filking - to filk proper - songs about sci-fi - is even higher than the ratio of ville-wank to ville-fic, were that possible. Ah, here comes a real filk, of “Hotel California” - any fannish gear/you will find it here…

Here’s something for Seema.

Filk:  Season
Original: Memory, from Cats (lyrics by Trevor Nunn after T. S. Eliot)

Midnight, not a word from B'Elanna...
Has my muse lost her bat'leth?
I am writing alone.
In the weblog the broken fics collect in a heap
And I cannot find my drone.

Zenning, all alone with my laptop;
All those files from the old days -
I was popular then.
I remember when first I learned what fanfiction was.
Let the bat'leth strike again.

Every blogger just repeats
More metafic kvetching.
Someone utters and the next one sputters
Another meme is catching.

Jossed out, I must fill up my hard drive,
I must think of the new show
And I mustn't slow down.
By September my fic will be passé as McCoy,
When the vamps come back to town.

Cut off bits of angsty fics,
The same old couples parting.
My traffic drops, another summer over,
Another season starting.

Hit me one last time then forget me,
Let me cherish the memory
Of the contests I won -
Of the bat'leth that taught me just what fanfiction was.
Look, the season has begun.

I’ve been meaning to filk this one for a long, long time. It was like shooting
fish in a barrel, really: I’ve Grown
Accustomed to the Phage. If you don’t recall the original tune, I keep a page
of original lyrics for my filks.

Pardon me while I go post it to ASC.

Jade’s drabble Sands of Decision
and Picnic Prize-winning story A Moment of
Clarity are up.

Also, for your reading pleasure, a preliminary filk from my forthcoming filk
musical, The Sound of Borgness:

Filk:      Drone Seven
Original:  (How Do You Solve a Problem Like) Maria
Codes:     Borg Queen, drones, pre-Scorpion
Date:      August 26, 2002

   Two of Nine:
She rushes round
With such a sound -
She never takes the stair.

   Three of Nine:
She leaks when she assimilates
And all the new drones stare.

   Two of Nine:
And underneath her armor
She has mammaries to spare!

   Three of Nine:
Drone Seven doesn't fit in the Collective.

   Two of Nine:
She's early for her duties,

   Four of Nine:
But she does them like a drone.

   Two of Nine:
She's leaves us still regenerating
And does our work alone.

   Borg Queen:
It's time to put Our foot down -
All the evidence has shown

   Two and Three of Nine:
Drone Seven doesn't fit in the Collective.

   Four of Nine:
We could have ended like the other five;
But Seven saved our lives!

   Three of Nine:
How do you solve a problem like drone Seven?

   Borg Queen:
How do you reassimilate a drone?

   Four of Nine:
How do you find a role that fits drone Seven?

   Two of Nine:
A manifold scrubber!

   Three of Nine:
A sonambulist!

   Four of Nine:
A Queen!

   Borg Queen:
Many a thing she feels she ought to tell you,
Many a thing she tries to organize...

   Four of Nine:
But how can you make her stay
And do it proper Borg way?

   Borg Queen:
How do you cut her ego down to size?

   Four of Nine:
Oh, how do you solve a problem like drone Seven?

   Borg Queen:
What can you tell a drone who thinks she's wise?

   Four of Nine:
When I'm with her I'm unused
Out of contact and bemused,
Yet she makes me proud to think that I am Borg.

   Three of Nine:
Unpredictable as humans,
Independent like her parents.

   Four of Nine:
She's a good drone,

   Two of Nine:
She's a misfit.

   Four of Nine:
She is Borg.

   Three of Nine:
She'd out-pester any pest,
Drive a Horta from her nest,

   Two of Nine:
She could throw an old Hirogen
Off the trail.

   Four of Nine:
She's efficient,
She's precise,

   Three of Nine:
She's a nuisance.

   Four of Nine:
She's all right.

   Two of Nine:
She's a rebel!

   Four of Nine:
She's perfection!

   Borg Queen:
She's a girl.

   All:
How do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
How do you reassimilate a drone?
How do you find a role that fits drone Seven?
A manifold scrubber!
A sonambulist!
A Queen!

Many a thing she feels she ought to tell you,
Many a thing she tries to organize...
But how can you make her stay
And do it proper Borg way?
How do you cut her ego down to size?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like drone Seven?
What can you tell a drone who thinks she's wise?

It hasn’t been ten minutes since I threatened to do this on ASC, and here it is:

Title:    Filk, Filk a Filk
Original: "Sing, Sing a Song"
Disclaimer:  Lyrics and music of "Sing, Sing a Song" are by Joe Raposo.  This parody is protected as such by the copyright laws of the United States of America.

*****

Filk, filk a filk
Filk it proud
Filk it long
Filk of science not faith
Filk of species not race.

Filk, filk a filk
Make a rondel to last
The whole night long
Don't worry that it won't rhyme enough for anyone else to bear
Just filk, filk a filk.

Filk, filk a filk
Let the stars filk along
Filk of futures to be
Filk of Adam and Eve.

Filk, filk a filk
Make a rondel to last
The whole night long
Don't worry that it won't rhyme enough for anyone else to bear
Just filk, filk a filk.

Plus, a blogsticker from the blogsticker factory:

I was supposed to get something else done tonight, but the muse (whose taste is far from the best in certain areas) started thinking about this filk on the T and wouldn’t let go until I typed it up for her. I hope that since I indulged her tonight, she’ll write something useful for me tomorrow.

Filk:      It’s My Blog
Original:  It’s My Turn (Diana Ross)

I can’t cover up opinions
In the name of blog
Or keep my peace
In jetc that was easy

And if thinking for myself
Is what I’m guilty of
Go on and disagree
I’ll still be me

It’s my blog
To see what I can see
I hope you’ll understand
This blog’s just for me

Because it’s my blog
With no apologies
I won’t tone down the truth
I’ll never try to please

For here it’s my blog
Yes I do have all the answers
Before I blogged, I took my share of stances
Ain’t no use of mailing lists
Where everyone’s the same

No, it’s not disdain
For I don’t know you from Adam
And I’ll tell you so
Here in my Dear Sir or Madam

It’s my blog
With no room for replies
I’ve never seen my fic
Through someone else’s eyes

And here it’s my blog
To try and have my say
And if the muse is blocked
At least I’ve blogged today

It’s my blog
Yes, it’s my blog
Ain’t no use of mailing lists
Where everyone’s the same

No, it’s not disdain
For I don’t know you from Adam
And I’ll tell you so
Here in my Dear Sir or Madam

It’s my blog
To see what I can see
I hope you’ll understand
This blog’s just for me

Because it’s my blog
To rant and say “my eye!”
I sure do like to see
That Lori’s stopping by

Because it’s my blog
It’s my blog

It’s my blog
For fanfic and for “fun”
Trying to work out
The thoughts of number one

Yes here it’s my blog
To reach and touch the muse
No one’s gonna say
That I was not amused

It’s my blog
Yes, it’s my blog
It’s my blog
It’s my blog
It’s my blog

In the original Klingon…

I alleged recently in Zendom that I wasn’t much of a geeky Trek fan, just a writer who happened to write Voyager stories. Now, however, I’ve crossed the line into true fannishness - I wrote a Klingon filk of the Latin psalm in Man of La Mancha. Filk of La Mancha is now done and should be up here soon. Maybe I’ll even get around to the facelift…