Speak Stiltedly and Wear a Yellow Shirt

Filk: Goodbye To VOY
Original: "Goodbye to Love" by The Carpenters

Recorded by: The Kimtones
From: the 2378 album, "A Filk For You"
Written by: Jemima Pereira and retired muse B'Elanna Torres

I'll say goodbye to VOY,
Neelix left the ship and crewmates, so must I.
Time brought to an end our epic voyage 'cross the sky,
Now all I see of VOY is Janet's Star Trek screenshots -
I've run all out of fic plots...

So I've made my mind up I must write some SG-1,
And though I'm sad to see it go
I knew the day would come
I'd say goodbye to VOY...

There are no new seasons for this muse of mine.
Maybe time will heal these Endgame memories
And I'll find that there is Star Trek to believe in
And to write for,
Some show I could write for...

All the years of Delta Blues
Have sadly reached an end;
Sam'n'Jack and Goa'uld fans will be my new fic friends.
From this day VOY is forgotten -
I'll write on as best I can.

[bridge]

What show's in our future is a mystery to us all;
No one can predict the rate of Nielsens as they fall.
There may come a muse to turn my leaden fics to silk,
But for now this is my filk...

And it's goodbye to VOY...
I'll say goodbye to VOY...

Word count: 1055

Come on, everybody’s doing it! You too can filk like Lori. All it takes is a midi and the Lycos Rhyming Dictionary.

Many thanks to Lori for this link to the Pirates’ Keyboard.

Word count: 924

As I was catching up on my newsgroup reading earlier this week, I was surprised to find that a filk had been posted to rec.humor.funny: Smeagolian Rhapsody. Nor is this the only work of the unique filker MC Smeagol. I hope he can provide you with a few moments of amusement while I’m busy writing dear departed Seska into my retro leather-clad VOY fic.

Word count: 637

Filk:   Holodeck Hero
Author:  Jemima
Original:  "Paperback Writer" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Dear Captain Janeway, where've you been all Night?
I know it's dark out there; do you feel alright?
The crew's getting worried - we all need a break
I was bored to death, so I programmed me a holodeck hero
Holodeck hero

It's a silly program 'bout a silly man
And my Klingon babe doesn't understand
My best friend's bucking for a second pip
It's a long long trip so he helps me be a holodeck hero
Holodeck hero

Holodeck hero

It's got twenty chapters, give or take a few
I can whip up more in a shift or two -
See the Mines of Merc'ry, visit Planet X,
Don a rocketpack - don't you want to be a holodeck hero?
Holodeck hero

When you're feeling naughty you can play the Queen
She's the campiest vixen that you've ever seen
If there's any trouble use the pheremones,
Save the universe - you were born to be a holodeck hero
Holodeck hero

Holodeck hero

Holodeck hero, holodeck hero
Holodeck hero, holodeck hero
Holodeck hero, holodeck hero
Holodeck hero, holodeck hero

[fade out]

This one’s for Seema, to memorialize her fight with the ASC troll and other ASC Awards sockpuppets and cheaters.

Title:   Goodbye Internet Trolls
Author:  Jemima
Summary: A filk of Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" for Seema.
The original lyrics were by Bernie Taupin, music by Elton John.

When are you gonna grow up?
When will you understand?
I should have stuck to P/T,
I should have studied for that exam.

You know you can't mock me forever -
You see I've misplaced the muse.
I can't remember when I last got feedback;
This fan's too young to be filking the blues...

So goodbye Internet trolls
And the dregs of the mailing-list crowd -
Don't look for me in your treehouse
I'm down here laughing out loud.

Laugh at the horny, bad smut on the lists
Weed out the scriptkidz and moles -
Now I'm pointing my browser at sunny skies,
Without the Internet trolls...

What will you do without me?
Who are you going to flame?
Keep your minions voting for godawful fanfics -
I'm not playing your contest game.

Surely you'll find a replacement,
There's plenty of newbies to use -
Fangirls who haven't seen through you
Looking for contests they're just gonna lose...

Filk on demand - one muse, no waiting…

Title:   I Will Revive
Author:  Jemima
Series:  TOS
Summary: A filk of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" for Rocky.

Oh, once I was a god
I was idolized
For bringing order to a world
I should have sterilized;
But then my flock put up a fight,
Foolish quislings led astray -
I slipped away,
I fled in the Bot'ny Bay.

And now you've come
To outer space -
I just woke up to find you here
With that dumb look upon your face;
I would have set another course,
I would have hewn your family tree,
If I had thought for one mad moment
You would dare to follow me.

So this is man
You look the same -
Still no improvement
I see the race I overcame.
Just like the sheep who sent their shepherds to the sky
You thought I'd perished,
You thought you'd kissed Khan goodbye...

Oh no, not I!
I will revive -
Genetically superior,
I know I'll come alive.
I've got one more life to live
I've got sins not to forgive
So I'll revive
I will revive

And by my superhuman strength
Saved from death's embrace,
In Sickbay on the mend
I'm glad to see a friendly face.
I have dreamed two hundred years
Of angry rabble in my way,
But she will stay,
Yes, I've found a mind to sway.

I grow fatigued
I will retire;
Back in my quarters, oh, lieutenant,
You and I'll conspire.
Because she felt like dropping in,
Because she knelt and made her plea -
Yes, she came despite my warning,
She has bound her fate to me.

So this is man
You look the same -
Still no improvement
I see the race I overcame.
Just like the sheep who drove their shepherds to the sky
You thought I'd perished,
You thought you'd kissed Khan goodbye...

Oh no, not I!
I will revive -
Genetically superior,
I know I'll come alive.
I've got one more life to live
I've got sins not to forgive
So I'll revive
I will revive

So this is man
You look the same -
Still no improvement
I see the race I overcame.
Just like the sheep who chased their shepherds to the sky
You thought I'd perished,
You thought you'd kissed Khan goodbye...

Oh no, not I!
I will revive -
Genetically superior,
I know I'll come alive.
I've got one more life to live
I've got sins not to forgive
So I'll revive
I will revive
I will revive

Oh, once I was a god
I was idolized
For bringing order to a world
I should have sterilized;
But then my flock put up a fight,
Foolish quislings led astray -
I slipped away,
I fled in the Bot'ny Bay...

[fade out]

This one’s for Jerie, though Seema’s to blame for the title. You can hear the tune at Slushbuzzz’s Midi Madness.

Title:   Raj of Rage
Original: "Turn the Page" by Bob Seger

On a long and lonesome journey
In the Bot'ny Bay
You've been sleeping out the decades
Driftin' through the Milky Way.
You've been dreamin' of the nation
Or the world you ruled just yesterday...

But your dreams will soon be memories
Of deeds that others rue;
When you wake another century
Will strive to conquer you,
And you come this close to dying
But you know your trip is through.

Say...
I am Khan - entertain me for
I am Khan - new to your age.
I was Singh - Sikh conquistador,
I was Singh - Raj of Rage.

Then you wake up on the Enterprise
Wary of your fame,
And you see their dull suspicion
As you tell them half your name;
You pretend they could be different,
But mankind is still the same.

Most times you can fool them all
Other times you can't -
Still the same old question,
Are you a monster or a man?
And you find your kind outnumbered -
You have to make a stand.

I am Khan - entertain me for
I am Khan - new to your age.
I was Singh - Sikh conquistador,
I was Singh - Raj of Rage.

Study their schematics -
You're two hundred years behind;
Technical advances pose
No challenge to your mind.
As you plan to seize this starship,
Take the woman that you find.

Make a new beginning;
As you struggle to survive
Watch a red star dawning wrathful over
Ceti Alpha Five -
This earth a howling wilderness
And yet you're still alive.

Ah...
I am Khan - entertain me for
I am Khan - new to your age.
I was Singh - Sikh conquistador,
I was Singh - Raj of Rage.

I am Khan - entertain me for
I am Khan - new to your age.
I was Singh - Sikh conquistador,
I was Singh - Raj of Rage.

I’m going through a Khan phase.

Filk:       What Man is This?
Original:  What Child is This? by William Chatterton Dix (1865)
Tune:  Greensleeves

What Man is this, who laid to rest,
In cryofreeze is sleeping?
Whom Marla eyes with anxious sighs
While redshirts watch are keeping? 

This is Khan Noonien Singh
Whom redshirts guard unwavering.
James Kirk will strand him in
The Ceti Alpha system.

Why wakes he from his cold repose,
Two hundred years a-drifting?
Doth Starfleet fear this pioneer,
One-handed McCoy lifting?

So bring him manuals technical,
Your vessel wants his scrutiny.
Eugenic men will rule again,
If Marla aids his mutiny.

This is Khan Noonien Singh,
Whom redshirts guard unwavering.
James Kirk will strand him in
The Ceti Alpha system,
  The Ceti Alpha system.

I just finished voting in the ASC Awards. The following filk was written in two parts as feedback votes for Penny.

The Ballad of Penny Proctor
(was: The Ballad of Davey Crockett)

Came out of nowhere back in Season Six,
Finest writer of a J/C fix
Wrote up a storm ’cause she knew ev’ry trick,
Wolf and the Otter was an easy pick:
       Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!

Staked out a story of a court martial -
To her dark XO had she been partial?
And while she was making it judicial,
Made herself a legend auspicial.
       Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!

When she saw Endgame and a Human Err’
In her heart she swore to that season repair,
In her VS there would be no affair,
Except J/C’s - that’s her favorite pair.
       Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!

They rewrote the season from Shattered on,
Makin’ sure the Borg wouldn’t get her don,
Fought off Cardassians - now they’re gone;
Who’s leadin’ the VS like a fandom Khan?
       Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!

Janeway came home, her voyagin’ done,
And found that her trials had just begun;
Saw her XO beside her in the desert sun,
But at the Oasis they found only one.
       Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!

Her fic is longest, and her fic is best
From the days of ENT to the DQ quest
She’s ahead of us all in writing with zest
Comin’ out on top of every contest
        Penny, Penny Proctor - Queen of the Trekiverse!
        Queen of the Trekiverse!

Sock of the day: Chakotay

My modem connection has been bad lately because changes in weather throw the phone lines for a loop, but despite the challenges I’ve been listening to Filk Radio. There are some great one-liners (You’re not retro - you’re old!), and some very odd ideas (Joey who fills his waterbed with beer). My new favorite filk is “Black Davie’s Ride” from Avalon Rising by Avalon Rising, a techno-medieval band. You have to hear it to appreciate it.

The filk standby is, of course, popular songs with new, sci-fi, lyrics. Take, for instance, The Saga Begins, Weird Al Yankovic’s filk of American Pie (from the album “Running with Scissors”). This filk covers the entire plot of The Phantom Menace, but my favorite lines are the chorus. (You have to hum along to the tune of “American Pie” to really appreciate it.)

Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he’s just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi,”
“Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi…”

The video is hilarious, but my connection is decaying rapidly - I can’t tell whether that’s the Emperor or a sand dude from Tattooine playing the piano. I’ll have to watch it at work tomorrow to find out.