Speak Stiltedly and Wear a Yellow Shirt

The lovely Seema provided this link to TWoP’s List Of Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do Aboard The Battlestar Galactica. Here are my favorites (beware of spoilers in the 900’s):

3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh’s name “T-G-H” and claim “the Cylons took the I,” as it is cruel and not remotely funny.
* Okay, so it’s hilarious. It’s still cruel.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human’s body.
42. Not allowed to hand slices of bread to Lt. Agathon and ask her to “do me a quick favor.”
68. Not allowed to stalk Captain Thrace.
* Not allowed to stalk Major Adama.
* Allowed, however, to stalk Captain Agathon, as he is unlikely to notice me doing it.
* And by “me,” we actually mean “you,” Lt. Edmonson. You think you’re being subtle? Gods.
75. I am not allowed to sell calendars that indicate Captain Thrace’s “Time of the Month.”
78. He is not “The Dread Pirate Tigh.”
107. New Caprica is not for lovers.
118. Algae is not “made of people”.
124. I am not the Chosen One.

134. Not allowed to refer to Hera Agathon as a “Tostito”.
138. I am not Captain Thrace’s “Special Destiny”.
* Nor Gaius Baltar’s
* Nor anyone’s.
154. Am not allowed to form conspiracy to ensure that when Hera Agathon grows up, her callsign is “Poptart.”
166. Only Capt. Agathon is permitted to play Find the Reset Button with Lt. Agathon.
* If she had one, which she doesn’t.
* No matter what Chief Tyrol claims.
167. Will not refer to medical treatment of Hera’s intestinal condition as debugging.
181. Admiral Adama never killed a man on Picon just to watch him die.
* As far as I know.
* Neither did President Roslin.
185. It is not funny when I hum “Billy don’t be a hero.” to Lt. Dualla and I need to stop.
*Even when Lee laughs.
261. There is no crying in Pyramid.
278. Not allowed to spell it “T_gh” and say “They stomped the eye flat! Right in front of him!” This is not an acceptable workaround to rule #3.
335. Not allowed to refer to the nuggets as “cannon fodder”.
336. Not allowed to get the nuggets to wear red shirts over their uniforms.
*Or under their uniforms.
367. Despite that incident in the hallway, the CAG is no longer to be referred to as “Major Frodo.”
*I may also not refer to Cottle as “Doc Gandalf.”
*Gaeta is NOT an elf.
393. The phrase “bun in the toaster oven” was not funny while Lt. Agathon was pregnant, and is not funny now.
404. No, we are not there yet.
* I will not ask again.
* Ever.
445. Not allowed to assemble a crack string quartet of nuggets and reenact that scene from Titanic during tense moments in the CIC.
447. In case of future Cylon occupations, I will not cry out that I am being repressed.
*Even if I am, in fact, being repressed.
452. I am no longer allowed to respond to orders from my superiors with “By your command.”
461. “The Cylon in my head told me it was God’s will.” is not an acceptable excuse.
482. I cannot shirk my new-pilot-training duties by telling the nuggets they simply “use the force.”
503. “If Baltar was still president, he’d know what to do” will only get me airlocked.
516. I am not allowed to call Starbuck “Destiny’s Child”
517. I am not allowed to use the flight deck as a bar… oh, wait, yes I am.
524. I am not allowed to go to costume parties as “a Cylon - they look just like everybody else”.
553. I am no longer to tell nuggets “You’re gonna die because you aren’t important enough to have a last name.”
*No matter how much the nuggets beg, I cannot assign last names.
*Especially not names such as the following “Stoleye,” “Hideye,” and “Smushdeye.”
*The resulting carnage when the Colonel took roll call and the fecal matter hit the rotary air impeller was not funny, and I take responsibility.
*Okay, it was funny. But it may have damaged nugget morale.
*I cannot refer to nuggets requiring temporary assistance with locomotion as a result of said carnage as “Cylon Meals on Wheels.”
567. I am not allowed to ask Helo if Sharon is “fully functional”.
569. Not allowed to ask Viper pilots if they have ever seen a basestar with black sails, crewed by the dammed, and captained by a man so evil, Hell itself spat him back out.
591. I will not engage the Cylons in theological discussions.
*Especially not Leoben.
595. When spelling the Colonel’s name for roll call, it is also cruel and not remotely funny to explain “there is only one I in Tigh.”
* Okay, so it’s also hilarious. It’s still cruel.
*The letter “I” is removed from the Colonial alphabet
*’m not allowed to even thnk about sayng that the Cylons took ‘t.
627. I will no longer acknowledge the XO’s commands with an “Aye-aye.” A single “Aye” will now suffice.
841. President Roslin’s re-election slogan is not “Let Roslin Be Roslin.”
* nor is it “We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. And Cylons.”
* nor is it “I Told You So.”
* I am not allowed to suggest any more slogans for President Roslin’s Re-Election Campaign.
866. Things I may not do during Baltar’s trial:
* sell pennants that say “Guilty” or “Not Guilty” to the nuggets
* get the nuggets to shout “GIVE US BARABBAS!”
* object
* strongly object
906. Cylons are not “the other white meat.”
931. I am not allowed to quote “inspirational” portions of “My Triumphs, My Mistakes” in SitReps.
936. I am not allowed to put photos of the Nuggets on the Wall of Death.
* Especially if they are not dead.
* Yet.
* I am not allowed to say that ever again.
937. “Captain Thrace did it first” is no longer a valid excuse for anything.
*Not that it ever was in the first place.
*And even though she’s not really dead.
*Except for that she probably is.
*This list is hereby renamed the “Kara Thrace Memorial Things I Am Not Allowed To Do Aboard Galactica” List.
*Sniff.
945. I do not have a “HeadKara”.
963. I am to cease claiming to see invisible Cylon heavy raiders in an effort to get the CAG to release me from flying my CAP rotation.
*Even if Lt. Dualla thought it was funny.

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