Rating: PG
Series: Star Trek: Voyager
See the title.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
To: Crewman William Telfer
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: your birthday
Stardate: 49147.8
Common Date: Spring Festival, Fourth Year of the Emissary
Happy birthday, Billy!
I can't believe we've been out here for more than a year already. Thank you so much for all the help you've given me.
Now, about your present: I wouldn't recommend drinking it. Most people think Bajoran blue wine tastes like vinegar. It's bottled by monks on the Eastern Continent, who insist that the Prophets have blessed their grapes - anyway, it's a long story and I don't want to bore you with Bajoran folktales.
We just pass the bottles around for good luck. My sister gave me this one when she came to visit me back at DS9. Maybe it's what's kept me from being killed by the Kazon so far. Be sure to pass it along.
If the replicators are fixed by next year, I'll be able to give you a more useful present. Listen to me! I hope we're home by next year. Then you can come to Bajor and try some of our more potable wines.
--Tal
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Crewman William Telfer
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 49148.1
Common Date: 2372
Hey, Tal!
Thanks for the unique present! I think it's bringing me luck already - the Doc says I don't have the Talaxian Swine Flu after all, and I could have sworn I had all the symptoms.
I'm sure we'll be drinking all night in Bajoran bars before you know it.
--Billy
To: Crewman Boylan
From: Crewman White
Regarding: about last night
Stardate: 50379.5
Common Date: 2373
Hey, lover,
Kaplan told me this bottle of wine would bring me luck in love. It's some sort of Bajoran superstition, but it seems to have worked. ;-) The only thing is, you can't drink the stuff. You just have to pass it on to someone else.
Now don't you go giving it to another girl!
--your sweetiepie
To: Ensign Bronowski
From: Crewman Dalby
Regarding: cheer up!
Stardate: 51380.7
Common Date: 2374
Doug,
Sorry it didn't work out with Megan. Jenny and I really hit it off, though - maybe it's this bottle of Bajoran blue wine that Mitchell gave me a few months ago. I heard about the stuff back in the Maquis; the Bajorans swear by it. You don't have to drink it - just keep it around for a while and see if your luck changes.
--Ken
To: Ensign Ryson
From: Chef Neelix
Regarding: leg of Kelaran Wildebeest
Stardate: 52355.1
Common Date: Fourth Moon of the Year of the Tree
Ensign Ryson,
I'm terribly sorry that Seven of Nine ate your birthday dinner. I guess Klingons like Wildebeest, too. In fact, the son of K'vok made a mess of things here in the kitchen, but I do have a bottle of Bajoran blue wine that Samantha Wildman gave me a while back. She said the tradition was to pass it on. Happy Birthday!
--Neelix
To: Ensign Paris
From: Ensign Farley
Regarding: betting pool debts
Stardate: 53160.8
Common Date: 2376
Tom -
I know I'm behind. I should never have bet on that Kim/Seven date, but I did, and I lost big, and I'll never have rations again...unless you agree to a little proposal.
I have a bottle of Bajoran blue wine - the only one in the entire Delta Quadrant. It's guaranteed to bring you luck in love. If only I'd given it to Harry... Anyway, I hear your girlfriend isn't speaking to you. If Bajoran legends are true, it could solve all your problems, and all I ask in return is a clean slate in the betting pools.
Consider the alternatives - your Klingon heavy isn't enforcing for you anymore, you're just a lowly ensign now, and I have no replicator rations, anyway. The way I see it, this deal is a win-win situation for both of us.
--Fast Farley
To: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
From: Ensign Tom Paris
Regarding: grovelling
Stardate: 53163.1
Common Date: 2376
Honey,
I'm really, really, really, really, really, really sorry. I'll never do it again, I swear. Please forgive me.
I left a bottle of Bajoran wine in your quarters as a peace offering. Don't break it - it's the only one in the quadrant and it's supposed to bring you good luck.
--your miserable excuse for a boyfriend
To: Captain Chakotay
From: First Officer Torres
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54176.4
Common Date: a holy time...a time of awakening
Chakotay,
That p'tak I married before Teero awakened us gave me a bottle of Bajoran blue wine last year. Of course the idiot had no idea what it was, but Tabor explained it all to me yesterday. I was thinking maybe we could uncork it later and celebrate our successful mutiny...
--B'Elanna
To: Lieutenant Torres
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: your bottle of Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54185.4
Common Date: 27th year of the settlement of Dorvan
B'Elanna,
It's nice of you to let me keep the bottle of blue wine. Don't worry - I won't tell Tom how I came by it. I hear half the people on the ship have had it at one time or another, so I doubt he'll suspect anything. Fortunately, there was nothing to suspect.
I don't know much about this particular wine, but I'm not going to ask Tabor about it. I've had enough esoteric Bajoran culture for a while.
--Chakotay
To: Ensign Harry Kim
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: full stop?
Stardate: 54291.3
Common Date: 1000 hours
Hi, Harry,
What's going on up there? Why have we stopped in the middle of nowhere? I hope we don't miss our holodeck time because of whatever episode you're having on the bridge.
--Tal
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: full stop.
Stardate: 54291.3
Common Date: 1020 hours
Hi, Tal,
I can't explain now - I'm in a staff meeting. It's not looking good for our holodeck time, though. Such is space. I'll explain later.
--Harry
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: full stop.
Stardate: 54291.4
Common Date: 1110 hours
Hello again, Tal,
It looks like a problem with the bio-neural gelpacks - surprise, surprise. Torres can't trace it, so the Captain and I will be stuck down in Engineering crawling through Jeffries tubes with B'Elanna and her staff. Wish me luck!
--Harry
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1340 hours
Chakotay,
Could you give me a hand down here?
Thanks,
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1343 hours
Kathryn,
What seems to be the problem? Why didn't you just hail me?
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1344 hours
Chakotay,
I can't get these chips out. I need someone with strong hands.
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1346 hours
Kathryn,
Let me get this straight - you're calling me from bridge duty to open a jar for you? Don't you have crewmen to do that?
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1348 hours
Chakotay,
I have a reputation to maintain. I am not going to order a crewman to open my jars. Now get down here.
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1349 hours
Kathryn,
The only way I'm crawling through half a kilometer of Jeffries tubes for you is if you agree to have dinner with me tonight - my place.
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1351 hours
Chakotay,
Is this what we've come to - bribery? Very well. I'm waiting.
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: isolinear chips
Stardate: 54291.6
Common Date: 1352 hours
Kathryn,
I'm on my way.
--Chakotay
To: Lieutenant Paris
From: Ensign Farley
Regarding: betting pool sighting
Stardate: 54292.2
Common Date: 1923 hours
Tom,
I spotted Captain Janeway going into Chakotay's quarters half an hour ago. I have maintained constant surveillance and they're still in there. Considering the time of day, I think this qualifies as the First Post-Mutiny Dinner Together. I have a few rations riding on that.
--Fast Farley
To: Ensign Farley
From: Lieutenant Paris
Regarding: dinners
Stardate: 54292.2
Common Date: 1930 hours
Farley,
I'm about to sit down to dinner myself. Keep an eye on the situation for me, will you?
Thanks,
--Tom
To: Ensign Tabor
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.1
Common Date: 0805 hours
Tabor,
I need some information on Bajoran blue wine, immediately.
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Ensign Tabor
Regarding: automated response
Stardate: 54293.1
Common Date: 0805 hours
Hello, friend!
I am currently unavailable. I will respond to your message at my earliest convenience.
--Tabor
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: [undisclosed]
Stardate: 54293.2
Common Date: 0946 hours
Chakotay,
What am I doing here?
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: your present location
Stardate: 54293.2
Common Date: 0949 hours
Kathryn,
When I left you were sleeping. Now I suspect you're raiding my replicator for coffee.
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: my present location
Stardate: 54293.2
Common Date: 0954 hours
Chakotay,
Stop avoiding the question. What happened last night?
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: your present location
Stardate: 54293.2
Common Date: 0958 hours
Kathryn,
Are you seriously claiming amnesia? I thought it was memorable...
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: my present location
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1001 hours
Chakotay,
There are penalties for drugging and seducing your commanding officer, Chakotay. You're not in the Maquis anymore. What was in that wine?
--Kathryn
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1003 hours
Kathryn,
I'm looking into the wine issue. Let's not argue over who seduced whom.
--Chakotay
To: Lieutenant Paris
From: Ambassador Neelix
Regarding: betting pool sighting
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1005 hours
Tom,
The Captain and I were scheduled to have a meeting this morning. When she didn't show up, I thought maybe she was running late. I went to her quarters but she didn't answer the chime. I was worried, so I asked the computer where she was. I'd suggest you do the same.
Now, you did offer double-or-nothing every year, and my bet is one of the oldest on the books. I hope you have the rations to cover it.
--Neelix
To: Ensign Farley
From: Lieutenant Paris
Regarding: betting pool sighting
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1008 hours
Farley,
You were supposed to be keeping an eye on a certain situation. Now I have a report that things have escalated to a point which is sure to not only break the house, but plunge the underground economy into a depression the likes of which has never been seen on a starship before.
Where's the Vulcan when you need him?
--Tom
To: Ensign Harry Kim
From: Lieutenant Tom Paris
Regarding: betting pool sightings
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1009 hours
Harry, old buddy,
I'm in big, big trouble here. If Chakotay is up there, could you please keep an eye on him and report any strange behavior?
Thanks,
--the late, great Tom Paris
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: your sudden demise
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1012 hours
Tom,
He does seem awfully cheerful this morning. I am keeping an eye on the situation, and hoping this spells a lot of replicator rations for me.
--Harry
To: Captain Janeway
From: Ambassador Neelix
Regarding: our meeting
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1015 hours
Captain,
I'm sorry you couldn't make our meeting at 0945 hours. I'm busy preparing for the noon rush right now, so let's reschedule for another day. How about the day after tomorrow?
--Neelix
To: Ambassador Neelix
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: our meeting
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1023 hours
Neelix,
I'm sorry about missing our meeting. Something suddenly came up. The day after tomorrow will be fine - 0945 hours.
See you then,
--Janeway
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1031 hours
Hello, Celes,
I know this is a strange question, but I was wondering if you could tell me anything about Bajoran blue wine.
Thanks,
--Captain Janeway
To: Captain Janeway
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1046 hours
Captain,
Has my bottle of wine made it all the way to the senior staff? I lost track of it after Jones swapped it for holodeck time.
Whatever you do, don't drink it - it tastes like vinegar. Just hang on to it for good luck, or pass it on to someone else.
--Celes Tal
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.3
Common Date: 1053 hours
Celes,
Are you sure about the vinegar part?
Thanks,
--Captain Janeway
To: Captain Janeway
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.4
Common Date: 1102 hours
Captain,
Don't let anyone spin you those Bajoran yarns, Captain. But, since you asked:
Bajoran bonding wine used to be served at every Bajoran wedding, at least on the Eastern Continent, which is an odd place in many ways. The occupation disrupted production and now blue wine is relatively rare. They used to say that if the bride and groom were meant to be together, then the wine would taste like ordinary green wine. If not, it would turn to vinegar in their hands.
Nowadays, whenever anyone opens an old bottle of the stuff, it tastes like vinegar anyway. The old-timers say that we young people just aren't romantic anymore. I think the monks never knew how to make wine, and the old-timers just drank the vinegar and managed not to retch.
--Celes Tal
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.4
Common Date: 1108 hours
Celes,
Thanks for the information.
--Captain Janeway
To: Ensign Harry Kim
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: something odd
Stardate: 54293.4
Common Date: 1123 hours
Harry,
Is something going on with Captain Janeway?
--Tal
To: Crewman Celes Tal
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: something odd
Stardate: 54293.4
Common Date: 1131 hours
Tal,
Tom seems to think that the big bet is about to be called in. There's no way he can cover all those rations.
But how did you know?
--Harry
To: Ensign Harry Kim
From: Crewman Celes Tal
Regarding: something odd
Stardate: 54293.4
Common Date: 1145 hours
Harry,
Call it woman's intuition. If anything should happen to me, I hereby bequeath to you all of my replicator rations.
--Tal
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Ensign Tabor
Regarding: controlled substances
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1327 hours
Chakotay,
Whatever you do, don't drink the wine! I assume you're talking about Tal's bottle that's been going around for seven years.
I only half-believed those bonding wine stories from the Eastern Continent - they have a lot of strange traditions out there, and they tend to blame every little thing on the Prophets. But I do keep up with the news from Bajor over the datastreams, and it turns out that the blue wine stories are all true, and then some.
As part of Bajor's on-again, off-again candidacy for Federation membership, a group of Betazoid scientists has been conducting toxicity analyses of various common foods, minerals and industrial products. Blue wine was identified as a dangerous substance which may have permanent effects on humanoid neurochemistry.
They were unable to identify or replicate the agent involved, or even to determine why certain humanoids were affected and others weren't. They said they could make no improvement upon the traditional explanation - but that's Betazoids for you.
--Tabor
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1330 hours
Tom,
Chakotay was reading a PADD, and he looked like he was about to faint, so I took a stroll over to Tactical to check something.
I only got a glance over his shoulder, but I'm sure there was something in there about Bajoran blue wine. The message was from Tabor, but Tal seems to have some idea of what's going on as well.
--Harry
To: Ensign Tabor
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: controlled substances
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1332 hours
Tabor,
Exactly what 'permanent effects on humanoid neurochemistry' did the Betazoids discover?
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Ensign Tabor
Regarding: controlled substances
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1339 hours
Prophets! You drank it, didn't you? Was it B'Elanna? That would really be a mess.
--Tabor
To: Ensign Tabor
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: controlled substances
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1344 hours
Tabor,
It wasn't B'Elanna. Now about those permanent neurochemical effects...
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Ensign Tabor
Regarding: congratulations!
Stardate: 54293.6
Common Date: 1352 hours
Oh, that's not so bad, then. If there was a meal involved, then you're as good as married, at least by the rather lax standards we had on Bajor under the Occupation. But back to your question:
The Betazoid scientists were quite intrigued by blue wine because it seemed to create a permanent psychic bond between some of the couples involved in the experiments - something the Betazoids hadn't thought possible for a non-telepathic species.
The scientific papers were not particularly forthcoming about the nature of the bond, but I can tell you what they say on Eastern Continent. Such couples never parted, never cheated and never - how do the Terrans put it? - had headaches.
--Tabor
To: EMH
From: Lieutenant Tom Paris
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1420 hours
Doc,
You wouldn't happen to have any information about Bajoran blue wine, would you?
Thanks,
--Tom
To: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
From: Lieutenant Tom Paris
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1421 hours
Honey,
Whatever became of that bottle of Bajoran wine we used to have?
--Tom
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
Regarding: divorce on the horizon
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1425 hours
Chakotay,
Tom is asking after the wine. Do you still have it? I hate to ask for it back, but I like being married to flyboy...
--B'Elanna
To: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: sorry about the divorce
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1430 hours
B'Elanna,
I'm afraid I drank the evidence last night.
--Chakotay
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1441 hours
Tom, dear,
I gave it to Chakotay a while back. That's what you do with blue wine - pass it along to your friends.
--your loving wife
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: Ensign Harry Kim
Regarding: weird, weird stuff
Stardate: 54293.7
Common Date: 1453 hours
Tom,
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I swear, this is exactly how it happened:
Chakotay was sitting in the big chair, staring at the viewscreen in that meditative way he has. There was nothing on the viewscreen but stars. He had a PADD, but it was balanced face-down on the armrest of his chair. Out of the blue, he said, "Captain on the bridge."
Needless to say, she wasn't on the bridge, but before I could open my mouth to object, the turbolift doors opened and she walked out. Now this is where it gets even stranger. The first thing out of her mouth was "At ease," as though she had heard his annoucement, but she couldn't have. She was still in the turbolift when he said it.
Then she went into her ready room as usual. He never even looked at her.
I've seen a lot of weird things out here, but this, this was eerie. What is going on with them?
--Harry
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: EMH
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1512 hours
Mr. Paris,
Bajoran blue wine is has recently been added to the Federation list of controlled substances. If you have any in your possession I suggest you turn it over to the proper medical authorities (i.e., yours truly) immediately.
I am including the listing for your edification.
--the Doctor
Substance: Bajoran blue wine, a.k.a. Bajoran bonding wine
Availability: rare - produced intermittently by the monks of the Advac B'nor Monastery on the eastern continent of Bajor
Classification: psychoactives, aphrodisiacs, neurotoxins
Principle effects: usually, none, but in certain, unpredictable cases, the substance alters the neuropathways of users, creating a pair bond like that associated with the Vulcan pon farr or Betazoid mating rituals
Side effects: an aphrodisiac effect
Duration: irreversible
To: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
From: Lieutenant Tom Paris
Regarding: Bajoran aphrodisiacs
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1523 hours
B'Elanna, dearest,
It seems Chakotay and the Captain drank the wine. This little Bajoran tradition of passing the bottle has just cost us a lifetime in replicator rations. If you want to divorce me for nonsupport, I'll understand.
--your loving but impoverished husband
To: Lieutenant Tom Paris
From: Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres
Regarding: for richer or poorer
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1534 hours
Tom, dear,
I'm sorry about the wine. We'll just have to eat Neelix's food for the next forty years, that's all. See you in the messhall for dinner.
--B'Elanna
To: Anon1, Anon2, Anon4, Anon6, Anon8, Anon12, Anon17, Anon18,
Anon19, Anon24, Anon27, Anon32, Anon40, Anon41, Anon44,
Ayala, Baxter, Baytart, Blain, Celes, Chapman,
J. Delaney, M. Delaney, Dorado, EMH, Farley, Fitzpatrick,
Gennaro, Hargrove, Henley, Jenkins, Jor, Jurot, Kaplan, Kim, Kyoto,
Lessing, Mannus, McCormick, Mitchell, Neelix, Nozawa, Powell, Rogers,
Sek, Sharr, Swift, Telfer, U'Lanai, N. Wildman, S. Wildman
From: Lieutenant Tom Paris
Regarding: The Big Bet
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1540 hours
Congratulations!
An end to the longest-standing bet in the betting pool has been verified by several sources. Small wagers will be paid off immediately; however, those of you who chose the double-or-nothing option for the past few years will be paid in installments.
The house fully intends to honor all wagers. Barring further Acts of the Prophets or a return to the Alpha Quadrant, even the largest outstanding payoffs (Neelix, Farley and Anon17) will be completed by the year 2413, Terran Calendar. Any objections to this payment plan may be taken up with B'Elanna the Enforcer in her Klingon holodeck exercise program.
The House thanks you for your participation. No more bets are being taken at this time.
--Tom Paris
To: Lieutenant Commander Tuvok
From: Ensign Farley
Regarding: thanks
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1544 hours
Live Long and Prosper!
I just wanted to thank you again for the impromptu meditation training session you gave me last night. I was lucky to run into you on deck three.
--Farley
To: Captain Janeway
From: Commander Chakotay
Regarding: Bajoran blue wine
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1550 hours
Kathryn,
You've been quiet in there. I found out a bit about the wine - maybe we could discuss it over dinner. I'm off-duty in ten minutes. My place?
--Chakotay
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Captain Janeway
Regarding: dinner tonight
Stardate: 54293.8
Common Date: 1557 hours
Chakotay,
Somehow I knew you were going to try to lure me back to your quarters.
I'm glad you managed to find something out - all I got out of Celes was a few vague legends. I'll be by at 1700 hours. I'm agreeing to this on the condition that no alcoholic beverages are to be served - understood?
By the way, dinner is on me - I've just come into a lot of replicator rations.
--Kathryn