Janeway: The Musical! (Filk of La Mancha)

I shall impersonate ... a Captain.
Come, enter into my imagination, and see her:
Boney, hollow-cheeked, eyes that burn with the fire of inner vision.
She conceives the strangest project ever imagined ...
To cross the Galaxy,
And sally forth into the Delta Quadrant, righting all wrongs!
Her name: Captain Janeway of the Voyager!

Hear me now, Delta Quadrant, unbearably vast,
Yield your wormholes and secrets to me!
Stand aside hostile aliens, let Voyager pass
Or suffer my wrath and ennui!

I am I, Kathryn Janeway,
The Captain of Voyager,
My destiny calls, and I go!
And the slipstreams of fortune
Shall carry me onward
Oh, whithersoever they flow.
Whithersoever they flow,
Onward to Starfleet I go!

I'm Chakotay, yes, I'm Chakotay
I follow my Captain till the end
I'll tell all the world, proudly,
I'm her XO, I'm her friend.

Hear me Hirogen, Kazon, innum'rable Borg:
All your dastardly doings are past!
For we're armed to the teeth and we've got our own Borg
And Starfleet shall triumph at last!

I am I, Kathryn Janeway,     I'm Chakotay, yes,
The Captain of Voyager,     I'm Chakotay
My destiny calls, and I go!     I follow my Captain till the end
And the slipstreams of fortune     I'll tell all
Shall carry me onward ...     the world, proudly,
Oh whithersoever they flow     I'm her XO, I'm her friend.

Whithersoever they flow
Onward to Starfleet I go!

The Mess Hall!
The Mess Hall!

We come for food
We come for food
We come to the Mess Hall for food...

One pot of stew is like another
We all know why and who's to blame
I'll take the gagh or the leola
It's all the same, it's all the same

This I have learned, that when the soup's on
No dish could tempt a starving p'taq
This I have known since second season
Our cook can't cook, our cook can't cook

So do not call it plomeek soup
I didn't join up yesterday
Just spoon that slop into a bowl
And I will eat what's on my tray

One pot of stew is like another
We all know why and who's to blame
I'll take the gagh or the leola
It's all the same, it's all the same

Oh I have seen too many meals
To which there was too little taste
And I have dreamed too many nights
Dyspeptic dreams of Neelix spaced

I do not like your root Leola
I do not like your soup plomeek
But I am poor and it's the Mess Hall
And what I eat, I choose to eat

One pot of stew is like another
It's all the same, it's all...the same!

The Mess Hall!

I have sought thee too long, I will see thee and touch thee
And know thee as once at the start.
Half a prayer, half a song, thou hast always been with me
Though we have been long years apart.

Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant,
'Twill be heaven when I reach thee, Alpha Quadrant!
And thy name is like a prayer Bajorans whisper
Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant...

If I wormhole to thee, do not flicker and shift
To a time where my ship cannot last.
Let my sensors but see thou art current and real
And no phantom from out of the past.

Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant,
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Alpha Quadrant!
Once I've found thee then the worlds shall sing my glory!
Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant...

Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant,
'Twill be heaven when I reach thee, Alpha Quadrant!
And thy name is like a prayer Bajorans whisper
Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant!

Alpha Quadrant, Alpha Quadrant,
I have sought thee, sung thee, dreamed thee, Alpha Quadrant!
Once I've found thee then the worlds shall sing my glory!
Alpha Quadrant!
Alpha Quadrant!

Chakotay, on my way here, I was informed by at least ten crewmen--

Yes, Chakotay, the crew have been begging to settle down in the neighborhood, but in spite of the pain and suffering this journey is bringing down upon our heads...

I'm only thinking of them
I'm only thinking of them
Whomever I may help or space
I'm only thinking of them

In my body it's well known
There is no civilian bone
I'm only thinking and worrying about them

I've been told they're feeling homesick
So I suffer for my crew
If the 'Fleet should hear about it
Heaven knows what they will do...

Oh I dearly love Chakotay
But I fear it cannot be
For I ought to take and lock him up
And throw away the key

But if I do
But if I do
There is one thing that I swear will be true:

I'm only thinking of them     I know, I know, my dear
I'm only thinking of them     Of course you are, my dear
I'm only thinking and worrying     I understand
About them

Oh I think I've been too lonely
Living years without my spouse
And when we return I fear I may have trouble in the house

For I had Pon Farr without her
And she missed the seventh year
It will be a sad reunion
But a Vulcan feels no fear

If she should cry
I'd surely die
But still I think of only logic as I sigh:

I'm only thinking of them     I know, I know, my friend
I'm only thinking of them     Of course you are, my friend
I'm only thinking and worrying     I understand
About them

They're only thinking of them
They're only thinking of them
How Starfleet is their cowardly
"I'm only thinking of them"!

What a comfort to be sure
That their motives are so pure
As they go thinking and worrying about...them.

Why do you follow her?

That's easy to explain. It's because...because...

Why?

I like her.
I really like her.
Blow up my shuttlecraft one by one
I like her.

I know you
Considered it treason
To save that woman from a fiery death
By Kazon.

But there's nothing else to do,
Pass me that leola stew.
Still I'll mope by her side
Though I can't tell you why
That I like her.

But what do you get out of it?

What do I get? Why already I've gotten...I've gotten...

You've gotten nothing. Why do you do it?

I like her. I really like her.
Pluck my lungs out for a sick Vidiian, I like her.
Don't ask me for why or wherefore;
'Cause I don't have single good because or therefore.

You can pass around my soul, suck the life out of my role,
Take my lungs, take an eye, drop my shields, make me fry,
Still I'll yell through the sky though I can't tell you why
That I like her.

Why do you preach the things you preach?
Why do you preach these things?
Why do you drift through the worst parts of space
Running on empty, so far from your base?
Why try to free those who cannot be freed and
Why unassimilate me?
Why unassimilate me?

Why do you preach the things you preach?
Why do you preach these things?
Why do you rush at the Borg all alone
Fighting mad battles that cannot be won?
Why do you dream of a world that can't be and
Why unassimilate me?
Why unassimilate me?

Why don't you know that you're laughed at, wherever you go?
But I cannot laugh with the rest and why, I don't know.

Why do you preach the things you preach?
Why do you preach these things?
Why not back down for humanity's sake?
Why do you give when the Borg only take?
Where do you see that bright future you see and
Why unassimilate me?
Why unassimilate me?

Oh, I am a holo-Doctor and I have a hypospray
With my scalpel and my genius I can always save the day
Though your flesh be whole and healthy you may need me soon I know
For there's always an anomaly, a breach or a new foe

If I lose my ethics subroutines and your cortex start to prune,
At least you'll die to showtunes that are perfectly in tune.

Bring it back!

But it's nothing but a piece of scrap!

Piece of scrap? Dost not know what it really is?

Titanium token of true friendship
From our illustrious Earth past
Too long has it been lost in transit
'Tis rediscovered now at last!

Rusting token of true friendship
Little piece of history
Starfleet says now fetch it back now
Where it's been, a mystery

It was such a nice idea to give stuff away for free.

If he says it wasn't friendly, I'd suggest that you agree.

But he'll find that we are harmless and he'll let us go away.

Well, at least our Captain Janeway somehow always saves the day.

A gaudy token of false friendship
Whose works my world cannot forget -
Now it's a hell of radiation,
Nuclear winter, plague and death.

Rusting token of true friendship
There has been no probe like thee
Rusting token of true friendship
Turned us into history.

To each her hololover that she alone can name,
To each a private holodeck where she can write the right effect
To light her secret flame.

For with her hololover beside her so to lie,
A girl can do quite anything, outfly the Bird of Prey and wing
Through subspace with her guy.

Yet if you build your life upon dreams, it's prudent to recall
A girl with photons in her arms
Holds no one there at all.

There is no holo-Michael, he's made of light and air;
And yet how quick this trek would go, if every girl could weave a beau
To keep her from despair...

To each her hololover, though he's only light and air.

To see and yet not interfere
To fight the Collectivized foe
To bear with unbearable boredom
To fly where the Borg dare not go

To side with the 'Fleet, right or wrong
To love, pure and chaste, from a-near
Then after a shift long and weary
To drop by Sandrine's for a beer

This is my quest
To find a way home
No matter how distant
Nor how far we roam

To set course for Earth
Without thought for the toil
To be willing to fight with the Borg
Over one transwarp coil

And I know if I only stay true
To inscrutable rules
That my ship will dock at a Starbase
When I'm seventy-two

And Starfleet will be better for this
That one Captain, one ship and two crews
Still strove, past all hope and all reason
To uphold their inscrutable rules

Little Bug, little bug, in the alien tree
Little bug, little bug, will you bite for me?
Will you trap me here, with one I know?
Little bug, little bug, I love her so
Little bug, little bug, we have to go,
Little bug, little bug.

Beneath this tree, this alien tree
We learned to love, we learned to cry
For here we kissed and backs we rubbed
And here one cold and starry night
We packed the tub.

Little bug, little bug, oh have pity on me!
Bring her back to me now, 'neath your alien tree;
I have waited four years despite her fears
Little bug, little bug, please fly, please go
Little bug, little bug and bite her mo',
Little bug, little bug.
Little bug, little bug!

Ensign Harry Kim of the Voyager,
Having proven yourself every week in terrible and glorious combat,
And by my authority as Captain of this starship,
I hereby promote you--

But Captain...

Didn't I do it right?

Well it is customary to say a few words when handing out pips...

Harry Kim, young, fresh and innocent
Harry, the hopeful Lieutenant
Wherever you go, people will know
Of the glorious deaths of Kim the Perpetual Ensign!

I know you'll concur, oh my brave officer,
Die once more in glorious strife
I swear when it's done I'll remember it well
For all of the rest of your life.

Harry Kim the Perpetual Ensign!
Kim the Perpetual Ensign!
Wherever you go, face to the foe,
They will quail at the sight of Kim the Perpetual Ensign!

Oh valorous Kim, go and fight the Vidiians
And battle all Borg that you see
Don't touch glowing rods, get in that escape pod
Do keep away from the hull breach.

Harry Kim the Perpetual Ensign
Kim the Perpetual Ensign
Wherever you go, people will know
Of the glorious deaths of Kim the Perpetual Ensign!

Little bug, little bug
In the alien tree

Little bug, little bug
In the alien tree
Little bug, little bug
Will you bite for me?
Will you trap me here with one I know?

Little bug little bug I love her...

You're human.

I am Borg, not human! At least, not your kind of a human...

I was spawned like a fish by a weak, foolish member of
Species five thousand six hundred eighteen.
I never blamed her - I knew primate species
Were puppets of hormones and spleen.

Then of course, there's my father - I'm told primate fathers
Will fight for their spawn and protect them from harm.
Mine was a "scientist" chasing a Borg cube;
He who seeks out the Borg the Borg find.

So of course I became what all species will be in the end
One of billions of drones, something nameless, unfeeling and dead.

And now you are human!

And still she torments me! How can I be a human?

For a human is weak, indecisive and small
Full of dreams, empty visions, ambition and more.
Goals never realized like freedom for all
Rather, freedom for all but a Borg.

Won't you look at me, look at me, Queen, won't you look at me?
Look at the former drone falling apart
Born on a starship to die on a starship,
A primate that spawns and departs.

If you slice and you find me not quite homo sapiens' best
Unimplant more implants till you have the ape-girl you request

Never deny you are truly human!

Take the stars from your eyes and see me as I really am!

You have shown me the "I", but what good is the "I"
When it's trapped in a body cut off from its soul?
Though cold are the Borg when they butcher, assimilate -
You are the cruelest of all.

Can't you see what your senseless humanity does to me -
Robs me of order and leaves me despair?
One of a billion I always felt I belonged;
Loneliness I cannot bear.

So don't reach out to me like the daughter that you'll never bear.
I am only a Borg drone! A number - there's nobody here.

A couple rations, a little bet
I'm sure they'll do it if they haven't yet
The Borg won't get us 'cause they never do
Care to put down ten on when the baby's due?

When I first met her my wife B'Elanna growled
At this traitor to both Starfleet and Maquis,
But the truth came out at death's door as it very often does
That the one for her was no one else but me.

Of course it took a while after that,
'Cause she's a lot stubboner than I am
And you know what they say
Whether the p'taq strikes the bat'leth
Or the bat'leth strikes the p'taq
It's always the p'taq that ends up bleeding.
So I've got bruises from here to...

A couple rations, a little bet
I'm sure they'll do it if they haven't yet
If we're here forever it's just as well
At least I won't pay out on the wormhole pool...

Captain Proton has retired his old rocket;
He has left it all to Harry and the twins.
Old Chaotica's a plaything with his accent and his raving -
When Miral is ten I'll let her play the Queen.

Please, try to remember.
You rescued me, and you called me Annika Hansen...

Delta Quadrant, Delta Quadrant
Once you found a girl lost in the Delta Quadrant
When you spoke my name the stars all seemed to whisper
Delta Quadrant, Delta Quadrant

Delta Quadrant, Delta Quadrant
When I close my eyes I see the Delta Quadrant,
I see Voyager and all her bold adventures...
Delta Quadrant, Delta Quadrant

Perhaps, perhaps it was not so bad.

You spoke of working together, and about the Directive.

The Prime Directive...tell me, tell me the words...

To see and yet not interfere     But they're your own words
To fight the Collectivized foe     Don't you remember?
To bear with unbearable boredom     You must remember!
To fly where the Borg dare not go